I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
