maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You're like the curious george of whores
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
