I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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