i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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