GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
