Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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