How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
