its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
false alarm, still single
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