Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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