So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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