I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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