That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize