Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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