Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
