Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
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