I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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