i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
