So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Blood and glitter go together right?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
