I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
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