it was like his penis was on wheels.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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