If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
