someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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