Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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