Don't you send me to vm
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
