I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize