On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
