I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
