i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
