come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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