I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
