i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
