The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
