the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
