There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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