You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
