Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
