All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
