I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
