yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
