I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
