why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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