A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
