Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
