I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
How does one acquire holy water?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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