I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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