you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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