I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
