wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
