i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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