How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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