This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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