Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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