i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
