then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
