look no pants
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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