You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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