i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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