I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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