I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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