I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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