I feel like abortions should bother me more
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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